I'll start with one called naming the twins:

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a fecking clueless idiot
... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name,' I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Lol hahaha I didn't get it.

Another one:
Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilty feeling was overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head:
'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last....and you're single. Move on.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......


'Dave.......'


'Dave.......'


'Dave........'


'..........you're a vet, Dave'

lol that last one was good ^^ I only know really offensive ones because they're the ones that make me laugh the most, but something tells me this audience isn't mature enough to hear them xD

Another animal one I'm afraid...

A man is driving along a country road when he sees a sign in front of a farmhouse: "Talking Dog For Sale ".

The man thinks "Well, I have to see this", so he knocks on the door and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The man goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"Blinking flip!" says the man, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was quite young. I wanted to do something to help my country, so I told the government about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting to different places, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at an airport to do some undercover security work, wandering up to suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. Then I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm retired and live on this farm."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"£10" the owner says.

"£10?! But, this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

London Zoo were becoming increasingly concerned about the violent behaviour of a female gorrilla after one of the zoo-keepers was almost killed by her. After giving the gorrilla a thorough examination, the zoos vet declares the the ape is in season and has become frustrated at the lack of a mate.

Not being able to aquire a male gorrilla anytime soon, the head of the zoo is pondering the situation when one of the zoos labourers, an Australian, walks by.

"Hey Bruce! he calls. I've got a proposition for you."

"Ok, I'm listening says Bruce." "what's the deal?"

Well it's a little unusual but I'll come straight out with it. Would you have sex with our gorrilla for ...say...£200?"

Strewth!" says Bruce and pauses to think a moment. "Well ok..." he says But is there any chance I could give you £80 now and the rest on payday?"

Apropos jokes i have a nifty stand up routine and some members (you know who you are) have aproved and suggested i do some to raise the morale for the team before or after matches......

Pirate walks into a bar, having a steering wheel down his trousers.

Walks to the barkeep and orders a lager.

Barkeeps eyes him, hands over the pint and asks:

"Why in heavens sake have u got that steering wheel in your pants ? "

Pirate replys in perfecly piratey fashion:

"Yarrgh, it's drivin'me nuts"

---

Man visits the practicioner.

"Doc I have this lump on my forehead that wasn't there before. It's quite sensitive to the touch. Can you tell me what it is?"

Doc takes blood and tissuesamples and tells the man to return in two weeks.

The man complies. The lump has grown somewhat bigger.

The doctor leaves through a report on his desk and says:

"I have some good, and some bad news.."

"The bad news is, you have a penis growing on your forehead, the good news is in about two weeks from now you won't be seeing it anymore"

The man looks shocked at first and then relieved. He asks

"Why, will it have disappeared by then? "

"No, but the ballsack will be hanging before your eyes"

Love pirate jokes. keep em coming.