A psychiatrist is conducting a group session with four young mothers and their kids.

"You all have obsessions," he observes.

"You" he says to the 1st mother, "you're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turns to the 2nd mum.

"Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny."

He goes to the 3rd mother.

"Your obsession is alcohol. This shows in your child's name, Brandy."

The 4th mother quietly gets up and whispers to her boy, "come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he is talking about. Lets go pick Willie and Noddy up from school".

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced "all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living"...

The poor barman was almost crushed to death!

Nina and Rosie were always trying to get on each other nerves and today they were meeting for lunch.

Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.

Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it."

Nina replied, "I know, I know."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me £5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me £25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said: "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.

The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.

The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.

By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, Ann Widdecombe emerges from the surf.

Apparently she was also ship wrecked on another island and had decided to swim to his Island in search of company; she too had been very lonely for a long time.

She asks him who he is and, fluttering her eyelashes very coyly at him, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.

The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"